Fear of Restrooms

I don’t suffer from fear of flying – it’s fear of airports that cripples me. Anything could happen to you in an airport: You could be apprehended by the TSA, the DEA, and, as we just learned from the Larry Craig case, by the vice squad. I’m at the point where I’m beginning to develop subsidiary phobias – to Cinnabon, Sbarros, and, most recently, airport restrooms.

I don’t know whether lesbians hook up in airport ladies’ rooms. Judging from my lesbian friends, they don’t hook up at all. They fall in love, move in together, and start devoting themselves to home improvements. But if they do, on occasion, cruise airport restrooms in the manner of a U.S. Senator, what signaling techniques do they use? And could I have inadvertently been employing them?

Because, face it, how many of us knew that the way to attract a fellow male stall-dweller was by tapping your foot and swiping your hand along the floor? Just three days ago, in DFW (Dallas/Ft. Worth airport to you infrequent flyers), I was in the ladies’ room performing the well-known automatic-faucet-activating gesture: frantically waving my hands, palm down, under the faucet, hoping to activate the sensor. Then, just before screaming, “Why don’t they let us turn on our own damn faucets?” I realized that the hand-waving could be a signal and that the lady at the adjacent sink could be an officer of the law. I hastily abandoned the effort to wash.

Once – and I admit this with some trepidation-- I even consciously communicated with the occupant of an adjacent stall. What I said was: “Could you pass me some toilet paper?” Then I reached down under the partition separating us to collect the proffered paper. Now I realize it would have been wiser to leave the restroom unblotted, because a hand reaching into one’s stall is surely a Craig-like signal.

For the last six years, between September 01 and today, my main airport worry was that I might look or act like a terrorist. No dangling earrings or dark lipstick, was my rule, though I had no hard evidence that female terrorists prefer them. No anxious glances at the uniformed personnel. No reading Guns and Ammo; instead carry Real Simple and Martha Stewart’s Living. No tantrums when the TSA confiscated my eyeliner. But now I see that my efforts to look less like a terrorist might have made me look more like a, heaven forfend, lesbian.

Short of some undisclosed evidence that the 9/11 killers were closeted Wahabist gays, you may wonder, as I do, why – with the “threat level” at an ominous orange – agents of the law are being deployed to detect people of alternative sexualities. Larry Craig was apprehended by a man apparently consigned to spend his entire day on the can, watching for errant fingers. Possibly this fellow has some intestinal issues which made this a necessary posting. But, sphincter control permitting, could he not have been more usefully employed, say, interviewing passengers as to their willingness to blow themselves up to score some theological point?

This is what El Al, the Israeli airline, does, and it’s believed to have the tightest security in the world. Its security people no doubt have bathroom breaks, but they spend a lot of their time on their feet too, interviewing prospective passengers: Why are you traveling? Who will you be seeing? Why aren’t you carrying any tourist books? El Al doesn’t rely on interviews alone of course. They also confiscated my baggy of peanuts, though who knows what havoc you could wreak with them.

The official justification for the security measures that have made air travel so scary is that they keep us safe – and, beyond that, free. But I’d feel safer and a whole lot freer if I didn’t have to worry about accidentally impersonating a gay person. I’d feel freer still if I knew it didn’t matter, travel-wise, whether I was gay or straight. If lesbians want to cruise the ladies’ rooms for quickies, which I very much doubt that they do, and if one of them should hit on me, which I find even more unlikely, I can always say, “Uh, not right now, I’ve got a plane to catch.”

As for the fellow who unintentionally revealed the presence of the sex police in our airport restrooms: I’m hoping Larry Craig comes back and comes out. This will no doubt involve a tearful public renunciation of his past homophobia and a lifetime membership in the Log Cabin Republicans. But he’ll meet plenty of guys, and in the end it will be so much easier not to have to pretend to take a leak every time he needs a little loving.

Comments

[cheekyricegirl]

wonderful article! it had me cracking up pretty badly every other sentence or so.

behind the humor, though, there IS the sad truth about the damned vice squad, which patrols airports and ensures everything else is "safe and sound" but doesn't direct the same attention to what really SHOULD matter: cracking down on the darned terrorist threats, which have caused the threat level to increase to orange.

you are completely on-point here. great post.

[Anarcissie]

I think most of the security stuff we notice these days, including the colors, are idle shows for the folk. If something real is being done it's mostly out of sight.

It seems to be widely assumed that Craig is Gay, in the sense of being 100% attracted to men sexually. The framework for this belief is the belief that everyone is entirely one thing or another along various dimensions like race, gender, sexual orientation, and so on -- sometime even age or "generation" -- but in fact people are a lot more nuanced and complex than that. It's quite possible that Craig enjoys the occasional men's room tryst while being orthodoxly het most of the time both in practice and in desire.

[Monica]

Why do you even bother trying not to look like a terrorist or a lesbian? By complying and trying to keep quiet, you and many others are just making it harder for everybody including yourselves, because the range of permissible behaviour becomes very narrow and stays that way. You should almost want to be stopped, not just you in particular, but many regular Americans born in the States and as many celebrities as possible. That way, the ensuing scandal and lawsuits may make the travel experience more enjoyable for everybody, because this oppressive atmosphere would have to change.

If they do stop you, don't try to make this as discreet as possible. Act outraged (verbally only) and emphasize your age and the fact that you are a grandmother. If any passengers notice the scene, that's good, because it makes the authorities look bad.

However, being female and (sorry) of a certain age may be sufficient protection to begin with. You are not a likely suspect. Moreover, if the signal is just hand-waving at the sink, there is simply not enough evidence against you, and the gesture itself is not illegal or obscene, and it is made in the public area of the washroom. They should not even be able to take you aside, and once they find out who you are, they will be afraid of publicity, unless they have serious evidence against you. Craig did more than that, and in washroom stalls as well.

[Anarcissie]

Actually, free spirit though I imagine myself to be, I would like to see a rather narrow range of behavior on airplanes. I think one can save the lesbian terrorist stuff for the party after one arrives, no?

[Monica]

Actually, it may be a way to get lots of money (after a lawsuit). Then, Barbara (or somebody else in that situation) would be able to use some of that money to help the many "nickeled and dimed" people and other people in need. It's almost something to look forward to.

[Laura]

You make a good point, Barabara that what we seem to fear (possibly more than the terrorists in this situation) is gay Male sex and not lesbian sex. Why is the male engaging in "unacceptable" behavior publicly a bigger threat to our way of life, I wonder.

I, actually did know that a foot tapping ritual is a signal for anonyomous gay sex in a bathroom - but who can account for the random knowledge one picks up in this world.

[Justin K.]

But I'm confused about something. I don't under stand why he was arrested. Sense gay sex is not illegal and there was no offer or exchange of money. I did not read about this topic so I know very little about it. Also, How did a foot tap become a universal sign for gay sex. And How did people figure out how to decipher it as such.

[Courtney]

Monica,
I think Ms.Ehrenreich was tapping into that sort of universal fear of authority so many of us have - like, when a cop car pulls behind you driving you get nervous even though you haven't done anything wrong? I myself have nursed more than one fear about being falsely imprisoned and gone over game plans in my head about how to handle it if it ever happened and I totally get trying not to look suspicious at the airport, even though you have no intention of blowing anything up.

Great post! So honest, so spot on!

[Justin K.]

Fear of being falsely imprisoned. I under stand that feeling.

[Monica]

You have nothing to fear. For very busy people like me, it's almost an opportunity, since being in prison, in the hospital or dead must be the only reasons for me not to show up at work and if I'm imprisoned long enough, they may even give me some food without me having to cook and wash the dishes. Sometimes, especially when I'm stressed out or having PMS, I almost feel like having such an encounter with the "authorities" to kick their a**. What I would say must be even funnier considering my old-fashioned views on sex, if the reason they question me is related in any way to being suspected of being a lesbian or even picking up men.

[roger]

yes i remember now. the govt must be placing more emphasis on enforcement of indecency laws than on the prevention of terrorists from gaining access to airplanes since we all know that law enforcement cannot be engaged in two separate activities simultaneously.

[Ezra]

Whenever I hear about the sexual habits of gays I have to wonder, "Why can't women be more like this?" Damn this puritanical society and its ability to warp women's attitudes towards sex! Until women are open to having sex in a public restroom with a guy they've just met and whose face they'll may never see then this whole sexual revolution is a joke.

[deang]

At my current government clerical job, the only time I've ever heard my coworkers talk about anything remotely political was recently when this story made the news. They usually talk about church (this is Texas), cars, and WalMart. But this story really had the males at work riled: "If someone ever tapped their foot at me in a bathroom, I'd pull him up by his neck and bash his head against the wall! The I'd kick him and ... " On and on, with each successive speaker trying to outdo the others about how sadistic he'd be toward someone who tapped their foot "at" them in a bathroom. A lot of US males apparently feel that someone of the same gender being attracted to them is an accusation that they themselves are gay, and by God and Jesus they won't stand for that! I, by the way, was only brave enough to say, "It doesn't bother me at all."

[Justin K.]

I wonder why the homophobic men would not just say "I'm not interested!" I wonder why they would prefer engaging in assault and battery.

[Monica]

Because, despite the current political correctness, many people still feel that homosexuality is disgusting and that suspecting them of being homosexual is an insult, and a much worse one than accusing them of merely being heterosexuals of loose morals (if they even see that as insulting in the first place).

[Anarcissie]

Loss of the privilege of male status, in short. Perhaps because of betrayal by one's own desires!

(Any form of sex not shared by the observer is usually "disgusting".)

[Monica]

I would be outraged if anybody either made any lesbian proposals to me, or accused me of being a lesbian. The only difference is that, despite my "kick everybody's a**" attitude, I am physically weak, so I can't bash somebody's head against the wall, which I probably would (or talk of wanting to do) if I could.

There is also a feeling of betrayal, especially if a lesbian person is not a stranger but someone who at first seems interested in friendship only and may even seem very nice but just that. It is betrayal because individuals of the same sex are supposed to be "safe" (unlike a person of the opposite sex, who could be interested in sex or in staring at people he finds sexually attractive). I would be even more upset if I simply did not understand at first that a person's niceness or innocent chatting were due to being a lesbian and seeing me as a potential lesbian friend and not just a friend. Or, if I got a good female friend and it then appeared that she had a lesbian interest in me, I would really feel betrayed. And you don't want to see me stopped in a public place and accused of anything having to do with public indecency, and even worse, of a lesbian nature. It's good (for others, and for me because that would land me in jail) that I can't actually pull people by the neck and bash their head against the wall.

Rest assured: since I'm fat and dressed semi-Muslim, such events are not particularly likely.

[lordvoldemort]

Hahaha. Actually, this discussion reminds me of the first (and I think only) time a gay male attempted to hit on me. Before that happened, I had kinda assumed that I would be pretty offended if it were to happen. But... when it happened, I don't recall being offended. At first, I was just confused. I didn't quite understand what was happening. But when I realized, it was like "whoa, no way this is happening." and after a bit of an awkward rejection, as i was thinking about it, I was actually a tiny bit flattered. i remember that for a couple of seconds, i felt a bit trapped/scared. but yea, looking back on it, i thought it was kinda funny.

[Laura]

Monica, would you feel betrayed if a male friend suddenly confessed a sexual interest in you? Why the difference for a woman? I'm sorry I don't understand. I do understand the feeling that members of one's own gender are "Safe" and one is free of predatory sexual advances and being objectified among them, but what if one still seeks male friends and companionship. In college I thought I learned that gay men are the only ones that are "safe" and I had a lot of gay male friends. Quickly I learned they can objectify you and put you in sexually akward situations just as easily (one guy got it into his head that his mission was to find someone for me to lose my virginity with.) The point is there are assholes everywhere. We shouldn't jump to conclusions about "all straight men" or "all gay men" as I did, and also "all lesbians."

[Monica]

If you have a friend of the opposite gender, at least you know that there is that possibility. After all, if you like each other as friends, you or your parents may, under different circumstances and perhaps in a different society, have decided that you should get married. But with a person of the same gender, it's different. Homosexuality is like bestiality, necrophilia, incest and pedophilia. Some of these may be worse (for instance, pedophilia, or incest with a minor child as opposed to with an adult child), but they are in the same category of perversity. They are disgusting, and it would disgust me if anybody suspected me of being a lesbian, or if I knew that someone I know is gay or lesbian. You may no longes see that because you grew up in a politically-correct environment where homosexuality is accepted and there is a name for those who don't like it.

[Larry In Lethbridge]

Monica the Romanian Scholar claims:
"Homosexuality is like bestiality, necrophilia, incest and pedophilia".

How far did you get in school "Monica" ? Did you go to school ?

Follows this up with another whopper:
" They are disgusting, and it would disgust me if anybody suspected me of being a lesbian, or if I knew that someone I know is gay or lesbian"

With an attitude like that, I can't see too many people lining up for your comapanionship.

Homophobia is a glaring example of ignorance. People that state stuff like you do Monica are freaky ignorant although I suspect you are troll getting your jollies.

[Anarcissie]

Don't get too excited, Larry. Monica is here to push our hot buttons, but homophobia is a cheap shot. Make her ("") work harder than that!

[Justin K.]

I understand and respect your right to say it. But I can't believe you would compare bestiality, necrophilia, incest and pedophilia. or even incest with a minor child. Too an act performed by two consenting adult males.

Muslim, Just one more religion to cross off my list because of the bigotry it produces. Hmm... the path to spiritual enlightenment becomes more narrow by the day.

[Monica]

Many Christians do not like homosexuality either. It is only relatively recently that some developed a more tolerant attitude.

Only because two adults consent to some activities, that does not mean that the activities are not disgusting. You may all feel disgusted by some sexual practices. Wife swapping maybe? Or maybe physically dirty or violent practices? There may be something you don't like, even between consenting adults, and homosexuality is similarly disgusting.

I studied in Montreal and got a BA at Concordia University. I studied in order to get credentials that are accepted in Canada and to learn things I need in my profession, nothing more, nothing else. I have no use for whatever immoral values are now promoted, or presented as acceptable, in educational institutions. I did learn of freedom of speach, but it goes both ways. It does not only apply when the ideas support values such as accepting homosexuality.

[Justin K.]

I know all about Christianity and catholicism and once again, more religion to cross off my list because of the bigotry it produces. Hmm... the path to spiritual enlightenment becomes more narrow by the day. And what does your education and profession have to do with bigotry?