Listen to the Children

By Ellen Bravo
www.ellenbravo.com
bravo@uwm.edu

Ellen Bravo is former director of 9to5, National Association of Working Women and author of the recently released Taking on the Big Boys, or Why Feminism is Good for Families, Business and the Nation (Feminist Press at CUNY).

Teachers tell researchers they’ve never seen so many children coming to school sick. Guilt-ridden mothers share stories of sending ailing kids to day care or school out of fear that staying home with them would result in discipline on the job.

These stories don’t surprise me. But what was startling was hearing how many kids drag themselves to school sick to keep a parent from losing pay or getting fired.

I first became aware of this three years ago at a 9to5 leadership conference in Washington, D.C. Members were getting ready to tell their elected officials why they need paid sick days – something half the workforce, and three-quarters of low-wage women, do not have. For these workers, staying home to care for one’s own illness or a sick family member could mean not only loss of pay, but loss of a job.

First I stopped by the group from Wisconsin and heard Robbie Bickerstaff describe how her son Eric, then age 7, got hit by a car on the way home from school but chose not to tell her for fear she’d lose her second shift job if she didn’t go in to work. Later an older sibling called her to say that Eric was crying because his arm hurt from being hit by the car and she had to take him to the hospital. When Robbie informed her boss, he was adamant: “Leave and you’re fired.” Her pleas didn’t move him. She did leave; she was fired. Eric turned out to have a broken arm.

I moved on to the 9to5 members from Pennsylvania and shared Robbie’s story. Carissa Peppard, the 21-year-old daughter of activist Kiki Peppard, was sitting next to her mom. “I’ve never told my mother this before,” she said, “but when you’re a kid, you know everything. Whenever I was sick, I’d ask myself, ‘Should I tell Mom? Will we have groceries this week if she stays home with me?’ If I could, I just dragged myself to school.”

I related these stories recently at a briefing for Congressional staff organized by 9to5. On the panel with me was Jeannetta Allen, an energetic 18-year-old with a disability that affects her balance and her speech. She’d just testified how lack of paid sick days had cost her mother a job.

“I’m that kid,” Jeannetta said when I’d finished. “After my mother was fired, I always tried to go to school no matter how I felt. I didn’t want her to be fired again.”

A chain reaction started among 9to5 members in the audience. One after another, they told stories of discovering a child was walking around with bruised ribs or the flu or strep throat because staying home meant Mom could lose her job.

“My son had stopped eating,” Christina said. “He thought it would save on groceries.”

Nearly 20 years ago, a Wisconsin coalition brought a group of children to Madison, Wisconsin, to fight for a state family and medical leave bill. They represented the range of reasons children might need a loved one by their side – childhood cancer, being adopted, death of a grandparent, having a sibling with a developmental disability or asthma, being hit by a car. After listening to the kids’ stories, the Secretary of Employment Relations was visibly moved. “You know,” he told them, “we’re so used to dealing with lobbyists, we forget about those who are affected by our legislation.”

Too many elected officials are preaching family values but listening to lobbyists who want those values to end at the workplace door.

It’s time we listened to the children instead.

Comments

[Hoosiernan]

I am outraged and sad. But not at all surprised. I also did things like that when I was a kid. My sons have done that sort of thing (not school attendance, since we homeschooled--but not telling me they needed new glasses or new shoes).

When are we, as a nation, going to take care of each other? Or, at the very least, take care of the children?

[barbsright]

This is why no one (male or female) should be a single parent!

[Rose]

What truly heart-breaking stories! Something definitely needs to be done!

That's why I'm all for people starting their own businesses!

[Anarcissie]

One may not have a choice about being a single parent. Most people who are single parents, especially those who aren't well-off, didn't intend it to work out that way. I suppose people could be less sappy about getting into that situation, but many would still get caught.

Once there, it seems it would be helpful to combine with other people in a similar predicament to construct cooperative or communal living and working situations which would be designed to support single parenting. Yet when in that situation myself, and later when observing the lives of friends, it seems that very few people wanted to do it or if they did want to do it could figure out how to do it. I don't know exactly why that is.

It would certainly be a good idea to have one's own business, but not everyone has the talent, skills, self-discipline, capital and charm to do it. And once you are stuck with single-parenthood, it is hard to acquire them. It is worth working on, however, and in this at least I know of a few success stories.

I don't see "we, as a nation" doing anything good about this problem. Nation-states are good at war and oppression, but if you want to do something positive you need human beings.

[Chris S.]

I have to wonder what kind of employer would fire a single mother needing to take care of a sick or injured kid. Yeah, I don't ecommend single parenthood but then it usually happens involuntarily. I also think telling a person in poverty to start their own business is like telling a homeless person to just go buy a house.

[Susan Berlowitz]

Like most other women, I didn't seek out being a single parent, but it happened to me, and I did the best that I could. The issues raised in the article have been alive and well, to my dismay, for as long as I can remember. I'm certain my oldest son didn't tell me when he was sick. He knew how hard I worked, and that we sometimes struggled.

Although not clearly stated in black-and-white in the employee handbook, if the company had an employee handbook, women knew they risked losing their job if they called in to stay home and take care of their children when they were sick, and they certainly didn't ask to attend school events if the events took place during their scheduled work hours.

I was a single mother during the late 1970s, and early 1980s, under a Democratic president and then under a Republican president. The party didn't matter. And, I had what appeared to be a good job, managing a music store. I was paid, though, less than the men who had previously filled the position. At least, that's what I was told by people who were supposedly in the know. However, to get the hard evidence isn't always easy. In addition, part of my salary was based on sales, which were good sometimes, and not so good, at other times. I remember times when ends didn't meet, and when emergencies arise, there is no one but you to meet the challenge, so to speak. I also remember, during the late 1970s, a few rough months, and having to gather all my receipts together, in order to prove that I had paid my utilities and rent, etc., and then standing in line to see if I qualified for food stamps. (I didn't qualify for any other benefits.) A couple of times I qualified, and a couple of times I didn't. When I didn't, it meant that I fed my son and I didn't eat. Then, one time, when I didn't qualify, I had to buy a pair of shoes for my son so that he could go back to school. He was six at the time, and growing like a weed. Mind you, I had never stolen anything in my life, but I stole a pair of shoes, albeit a cheap pair. Needless to say, that was the final straw. I went out and found a second job, which meant spending almost no time with my son. I don't think things have changed that much. I have never understood the priorities of this country.

[barbsright]

Susan, what caused you to become a single parent?

[Susan Berlowitz]

I should have included that my husband and I divorced. He moved to another state.

[Ashley]

I wonder if this is why my mother never let me stay home sick from school. I was rarely sick, though I did have a constant cold. Prior to high school, I stayed home a grand total of 3 days, even getting sent back to school if I was puking. My mother was a single parent (her doing) and daycare I know was expensive. Yet I thought she had a good job, but perhaps not back then....

[Ellen]

barbsright said, "This is why no one (male or female) should be a single parent!" In all probability, these situations are faced by many 2-parent families where both parents work, but both have low-paying jobs.

[cindy Jurie]

Even two parent families face these issues. when i was a child care center director i remember a mom bringing her baby one day who was clearly sick. when I told her he couldn't stay at the center (licensing laws don't allow it) she called her boss from my office and told her boss she'd woken up sick that morning. She later told me that her boss had told her she'd be fired if she missed any more time due to her son being sick.

We shouldn't place parents in the situation of having to choose between their jobs and their children. What does it say about our society and our values when this is the case?

[Gloria]

Because I've always had crappy paying jobs, and because I've never had good relationships with men, having kids wasn't ever an option. Add in the fact that I have reproductive health issues, and that seals the deal. I am so very glad I don't have kids depending on me for ANYTHING.
And listen, even when you're single, you have pressure to come into work when you don't feel well. I've done that several times, especially when I first started a new job. I ended up with pneumonia at my first trucking job, and eventually lost the job. You cannot get sick in America.

YOU CANNOT GET SICK IN AMERICA.